Jan 14 2025 4:27-4:30PM Sometimes i catch myself easily entertaining childish ideas
Sometimes i think i might be able to speak to somebody else with my mind
Sometimes i might believe the beat of my steps follows the rhythm of my heart
Sometimes i think jumping up high enough results in gravity giving up on me
Sometimes i think i dislike myself and then i change my mind the next minute
Sometimes i think its over and it isnt, it isnt, it isnt, it isnt

Jan 13 2025 11:07-11:12PM What ive spent a significant amount of time doing is pretending. When i was very young and even then still growing older, something must have happened this way so continuously, in a way that led me to realizing what i really feel comes through with who i am was interpreted so incorrectly or so cruelly; think about it this way; i am stuck between two desires.

I want to allow myself to be where i am meant to be, fall where i may, build myself ditches with nobody watching so i can crawl inside comfortably, but also -- this, too -- this -- to be someone other people can feel considered by or cared for. It isnt something anybody wants. Nobody wants this to happen.

But then i decide i will smile or pretend to listen and i think it all comes out so angry but it isnt fair to have listened, and to have been hurt and then think -- i may do this as well, as it is, naturally. Do you understand me? Listen please, i want to be who i need to be, it is almost like i am periodically forgetting; if it all could last longer, i wouldnt have the time to consider the change; it would be about as natural as breathing in and out; a frequency im familiar with; i know it is only a drawn sine, an achingly drawn sine. But WHY? If it did not last so long neither would i be able to cry or smile when that is comfortable. BUT AS IT IS, I DO NOT DO IT WHEN I WANT TO, EITHER.

Its all done, until i come down the line, and land at the axis

Jan 13 2025 9:14-9:15AM I dont really care much about this info anymore but i dont want to completely strip it from the site, so im moving it from the header of this page to this log right here that you are currently reading: INFP 4w5 high-open melancholic dependent

Jan 11 2025 6:58-7:01PM Today i was supposed to clean the bathroom in this apartment but instead because we ran out of paper towels my dad had me help him with the shrimp hes making for dinner.

I learned how to deshell them and take out the poo tube and it was really interesting. I started to get the hang of it really quickly and it was enjoyable honestly because i appreciated what these shrimp had done by preparing them so carefully,

and it was really nice you know, and there was one blue shrimp out of all of them which, the rest were kind of clearish pink maybe brown and beige but this boy was blue, and i think ill think about that blue shrimp for a bit longer to let this weird filmy texture coating me pass a bit gentler while i make more art

Jan 11 2025 12:43-12:43AM Mm, ok. Not today, today ill make art instead, so i can pin down the feeling and get it working all upright

Jan 9 2025 9:56-10:14PM I shouldntve left you hanging for so long. Sorry about that.

When i was about 10 or 11 i read Awkward by Svetlana Chmakova. Its a graphic novel which came out in 2015 about the art club and the science club butting heads in high school. Without spoiling the novels resolution: this was the first time i considered the scientific nature of art. I consider angelicism in a very similar way -- even more so starhood -- and before i start talking again i need you to forget your associations for those words. I know a lot of people see the word "angel" and think of feathers or gold, churches or clouds, heaven or salvation. This is just not at all how i see it and it hurts me so. All the same in stars as well.

I really do my very best in helping others to understand the abstract nature of words like this (which inevitably fails -- notice the word "abstract" present?). There are a lot of words that have exact definitions and meanings that are quite easy to surmise, but angel does not have that.

Angel is a word which many people have come to approximate using visual aesthetic and religious devotion. It was surely intended for use in religion, which i therefore have no feeling of betrayal or besmirchment towards. However it truly only means messenger -- in such an abstract way that i cant help but see angelicism as an art. As a scientific art.

I am considering adopting the term engel, the old english spelling of angel, to better divorce myself from the visual concensus surrounding angels and what they might look like. Robed. Wheels. Eyes. White. Gold. It never describes me. It hurts even and, yes, i understand, through the hurt, why it is necessary. Angelicism being an abstract concept means many adopt it in their own way and this is beautiful to me. I dont enjoy being associated with it in my own self (due to its prevalence in others), but it brings me no anger to see fellow angels in this way appreciating themselves.

But i love to speak about it. It becomes a point where it is more humanlike to be angel than to be anything else, in my particular case. See, look at this: I am an angel. A statement that feels partially proper. Its like a white lie. Now how about: I am a human angel. It feels right. Ive told just about everything i need to tell. I am a human angel on earth, and this does not mean i know anything besides earth. I only know earth. I cannot lie to you and say i am POWERFUL or OTHERWORLDLY just for being engel. I cannot lie to you and say i know HEAVEN or some type of AFTERLIFE. I am a human* being. I am abstract, it is all a conceptual thing. It is therefore so deeply scientific that i find myself emotional at my failure to comprehend the atom.

Starhood is quite similar. But it -- im afraid -- becomes far more personal the more it becomes put into words. As the abstract thing it is. Think about it like this: its like if i took a beautifully woven scarf and you wonder how it was made, but i dont know how to speak your language, so instead i have no choice but to rip it apart and show you exactly how it was woven. I dont want to rip the scarf. And that is exactly all

I went through a very long journey to get here to understand what this means to me. I know it will not entirely be comprehended, which brings me comfort, as it is meant to remain a mystery and a rather confusing one at that

Jan 9 2025 8:33-8:44AM I was meant to write this out yesterday, but i was distracted and wanted to make sure i got it right. It may be good that i waited because i ended up having a disturbing dream that i want to talk about now and i wouldnt have been able to talk about it yesterday.

Anyway, the dream comes first because its more recent, and i might as well try to be continuitous. I wasjhygtfrgthjhygtfrtgtfgfgfgttgtgtttttttttttttftrrdererrrrrrreedsddddddddkjuyyhgttyytt6ttrrrrrrrrrrrrtrrrrrrrrrghghjuyuhuhuhjhghjhhuhuhyyy sorry i noticed gunk on my keyboard.

In the dream i was in my grandmothers place but it wasnt really her place. Kind of felt like when i played Yume 2kki and ended up in the apartments. My grandma had a rubber turtle figurine (very small, palm sized) and i picked it up and there was a second one. Two turtles. But for some reason i was calling them dinosaurs. There was also water jugs and sparkling water and things like that on top of the fridge and the fridge was either weirdly short OR i was very tall. I think it was short though because nothing else was weird. I had a feeling like i overstayed my welcome the whole time

The disturbing part was at the end where i noticed spots on my hand. I squeezed all the muscles in my body and they started expanding like fleshy lumps. And they kept expanding and peeling off of themselves until it was one large lump. It wasnt painful but i felt energy radiating from my hand even after i woke up. Ill keep an eye on that hand.

As for everything else, the thing i wanted to write before, i am REALLY STARTING TO FREAK OUT about music

I dont even know how to put this into words, it feels so weird and unusual but'/'''plklokokioiiijuuuuuuuuuuuujjk;;lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll;.;l.;;']]]]]]]]]// sorry about that again i missed a spot. But: music only really gets to you in particular situations. Its always trying to find you. When you walk youre doing it, youre making a beat. When you live you are music with the beat of your heart. Its really getting to me. Its only a matter of if the music knows how to align itself with your heartbeat.

There is something about time signatures. I think i love them.

Dec 30 2024 12:09-12:17AM We are a men of great and certain deprivation
Of which a great variety of sorts hold the class to pride
A believing cast has got something to clap for, youll know it
In our palms, too, there is saturation; calamitous awfulness
And, almost with certainty (that the people surrounding us hold themselves tidely),
To apology, I know I exist beside what does not,
To apology, I do not, forever; I never and always have

Dec 27 2024 8:49-8:55AM Its hard to remember when youre so small in the way that we all are, but: we are with the stars.

If you are in a building, obscured by a house or by some other mode of shelter; if you are out in a field; if you are down at a pier with boats and rafts and fish and people catching the fish for their dinner; if you are aware or unaware or if you are in a businessplace or some other establishment you are with the stars always.

You could see where you are, as below, as far apart from the array, which is above, but there is no below or above beyond earth, where the stars are. And so you are always by the stars. They are always with you. We are all with them. That is a comfort to me.

Dec 24 2024 12:19-12:22AM Another humble reminder that it will always change. It will never remain the same.

Im at my grandmothers apartment. Not sure if ive talked about it here. But this place gives me a particular feeling. It hasnt changed since it used to be my safe haven from when i was very young. It really is a place i would love to live.

For safety i cant say exactly where in the city it is but it has a whole view of the skyline and yet so quiet and gently hidden. Sort of the way one might feel if they were cupped in two hands like a caught beetle

In any case. Christmas Eve, humbly, Christmas Eve.

Dec 20 2024 11:19-11:21AM You may have noticed the new layout and i did too! I find it important to sacrifice my about page. It really has no purpose even though the thing i enjoy the most when websurfing is reading peoples about pages

But im never going to describe myself properly for a few reasons: i am never the same as i was yesterday, i am not the same today, i will not be the same tomorrow. People also interpret you in their own infinite way. Who am i to deprive someone of that

Dec 19 2024 6:37-6:43AM I had this dream where I was on an airplane and the pilot was next to me somehow. He wasnt the best pilot. He kept swerving or getting eerily close to buildings and structures and would always whisper "ow ow ow ow" as if he were preparing for the blow. But he would always survive. And then he accidentally flew straight into a large bridge

He kept whispering "ow ow ow ow ow" as if he were going to survive but i felt it in my bones that we were all about to die in a plane crash. I saw a plane smoking yesterday which probably inspired this part

I remember being really calm and looking away from the front window thinking ill survive this one just like i survived the other close calls

But no, i died, and instead of feeling the pain and experiencing every moment up until i went unconscious, the world just kind of froze and got stuck repeating the moment before the plane hit the bridge

In the afterlife i was completely destroyed. There was a computer that showed me real world updates. I was destroyed. I was shouting at the sky "IM 16!" and nobody else seemed as phased as i was to be dead. All i could think about was how i never finished anything.

All i could think about was how i never finished anything.

Dec 18 2024 1:31-1:31PM I am going to go home and make myself a meal.

Dec 11 2024 11:34-11:35AM The nature of existing is that what you say to me means a lot to me, and im not allowed to say that it does. This is true everywhere but i dont always know that

Dec 11 2024 11:12-11:14AM Idea: it seems like the only reason hedonism can exist is because most people arent hedonists. It exists because a lot, and i mean a lot, of people have their own ideas about how they want to live their lives.

Because an entirely hedonistic society would probably either become very very boring and someone would start a domino effect of moving on from it all, OR, they would all die imediately. Thats what i think

Dec 10 2024 12:43-12:47PM I havent been doing a very good job explaining myself lately. Sometimes i spend a long period of time remaining unexplained. I think im a sine wave or something. I get closer and farther from myself endlessly, and enter periods of misalignment. Right now it doesnt feel good. But thats just how it happens.

Im waiting for January because of this project i want to do all of next year. More like a background project ill do as i go. Still focusing on Monarch.

I want to make a large diagram in order to explain this. But this time i dont want to explain it to other people. I want to explain it to myself. Myself, never understanding. Eventually ill have enough built that ill never forget this.

Dec 7 2024 4:26-4:29PM Least favorite thing is people continuing to tell me things i already know! especially when they dont allow me to say i already know it. its one of those pet peeves i cant shake

Nov 30 2024 1:23-1:25AM Close enough that i might breathe. Close enough that i might hold my breath. Theres going to be some way to do it in about 10 million years, when im back.

Nov 28 2024 10:55-11:02PM Pitch blackness with an idea. Came with an idea of something that could be true, if you exist. Pitch blackness in the car, and because my phone had died i was forced (at least encouraged) by the universe to identify the beating of the car against the hard ground. I sat back, they sat front. On the way there i had been staring at their faces to play a game of understanding what they might be talking about without hearing them.

At the place, this house goes in a circle. And so i took some steps and i figured the rhythm. I counted 37 from start to finish, 37 steps, 37 from start to finish. Each time it was 37. I counted the lights first, per room it was 12394, then windows per room, it was 44231. The numbers connected at either end: 12394442311239444231.

It may have confused my family with my aimless counting but i continued to step the beat of the house and i even listened to it.

At the fireplace i gently pet the floor and soothed myself.

Now in the pitch blackness with an idea, in the back with them in the front, i saw an arrangement of lights that were attached to the cars, the bustling beasts of this dark night which lit it all up. Angrily. Hoffing and poffing. Hoffing and poffing. Trudging against the beaten path. Against the hard ground. I sort of got the idea, came with an idea that behind each lamppost could exist a picture. This picture could exist, it might not.

But listen to my idea, which is that there could be none; I will pay very close attention to the details of what i encounter, and it will no longer exist despite this effort, and therefore any image could happen to exist, unknown to me; I might have simply not have payed enough attention to it for it to exist in my mind.

Nov 28 2024 11:07-11:14AM I wake up with it being nearly impossible to remove myself from the world, in an unusually opposite way to how it tends to be when i wake up

And i was made to focus my ears at the window which told me it was raining gently. It was at perfect temperature in my room and my blankets sat not-too-warmly against me

I felt a thrumming in me. And every few moments i have been hearing the roaring of the planes overhead as if there was some great migration.

Today is Thanksgiving and I go to see distant family at their big house. Its full of dark wood and people are always there. I am very excited. I love that house. I am not looking forward to the food

My family makes Thanksgiving food just fine but none of it has ever interested me. Not a single traditional dish

But here in the blankets with the window dripping honey i am prepared to go hungry.

Nov 25 2024 9:41-9:43AM And yet even still, i long to create it as simply as possible...

Nov 22 2024 8:39-8:47AM More bird dreams. I just woke up and my room is awful and stuffy. Let me open the window

Alright. It was still raining up here last night. Should help with the drought... somethings off. Anyway,

I tend to have long long dreams that I only really remember one important part directly after I wake up. Then, after a few minutes to hours i might be able to remember the full thing

In this situation i remember these white owls coming down and attacking me. Clawing at me. They went after my left hand and i looked at it covered in scratches.

The rest of the dream was odd and nonlinear as they tend to be... i was at a big house with this kid who was into NFTs and also a lot of family. I recall staring at these incredible plants. I recall looking at the stony wall very very closely to see the moss

And i saw the earth from a distance, and there were factors of existence, with text titles you could drag together to create new ones. I watched Watership Down last night

Nov 21 2024 3:38-3:42PM Things started happening even before i was awake. Had a dream where right before i woke up i saw these crow feathers outside the building knowing one had just left

And i got a lot of compliments recently things have been going very well in general

But apparently one of my teachers didnt think so. One of them saw a doodle i did apparently

And it mustve been something worrying or one of my angsty characters because they sent a message to the guidance counselor and called me down

Basically i just explained that i have characters i like to give sad stories and it was a bit of an awkward conversation. On a different note someone tried to get me to join his church today so thats... fun

My grades are still good (how?) and im drawing and its RAINING today. What else could happen? I think maybe karma is preparing to let me down easy.

Nov 17 2024 10:09-10:16AM I didnt really write about it yesterday because i was so busy but i had a lot of fun. I love my aunts house because its so big and theres always people. And my uncle is there and hes the only person in my local family that seems to have my sense of humor

The object of our visit was to celebrate. It had recently been my birthday and my moms and aunts and my uncles and none of us had come together to celebrate so we did it all in one big bash. We decorated cupcakes

I have to say though my favorite part of visiting is always the drive. Im very familiar with the walls that we pass and the bridges we go under on our route there and back

On the way home i found that the moon was frighteningly full!

Makes sense. The day before it had been a supermoon. But i remember being in the car on the way home and seeing that moon and deciding to stare at it and there was a flash of a rainbow.

I cant explain it! When i saw it i stayed very quiet because it would be of no use to explain it. But in the pitch blackness of both the trees and the starless sky there was a flash of a fuzzy strip of rainbow just below the moon.

And i truly mean flash. It appeared one moment and vanished the next. It mustve been some unusual trick of the light. I know its nothing but it was a little magical for me. In 10 days we go back there for Thanksgiving oriented celebration

Nov 16 2024 9:17-9:18AM Today we get to visit my aunt! Im really excited. I love her house

Nov 11 2024 4:13-4:14PM Sweeped under my bed! Dusted my books and rearranged them! Reorganized drawers! And my closet! Productive day so far...

Nov 10 2024 5:18-5:20PM Ive been governing myself by the KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID rule for the past few weeks now in terms of my website and its much much more rewarding

Ive also been doing that for my conversations and it improves the experience GREATLY. I am an anxious overthinking bastard and tend to be inable to relax for my own life unless im completely settled or have forgotten something

So being able to just go "keep it simple" has helped greatly. Still get random heart racing periods though

Nov 9 2024 6:29-6:33PM Life does not have inherit meaning or purpose.

Also its not supposed to. I see people saying things like, my life has no meaning. No purpose. I shouldnt live. WELL, ACTUALLY, (nerd),

ACTUALLY, thats exactly why you SHOULD live, actually. Sorry. Life is not designed to have some sort of purpose. Otherwise a lot of people would be very unhappy.

I would say its pretty common knowledge that if you get everything you want life is meaningless. EXACTLY. This is the only instance in which life can truly be useless.

Somethings always going to fuck you up. YOU NEED to make meaning. THAT is the hard part. Living isnt difficult. Creating meaning is. Creating a purpose is. And for a while your purpose is going to be to create a purpose. Youll live paradoxically until you either die or succeed.

And no thats not "bleak" thats fucking incredible. I love everything

Nov 8 2024 5:48-5:50PM Wow conversations are much easier when you realize its just transmission of information

This will probably sound to some people like im going through something but i actually really like viewing my body as a possession?

Im taking care of it, feeding it. Making it move and stuff. Its not me at all. But its my Thing.

My little jester hahaha dance jester dance MUAHAHAHA

Not helping my case of being normal. Sorry. Its just a comforting thought.

Nov 8 2024 2:45-2:50PM Happy Friday! When i was a kid i pushed other kids down the slide when they took too long.

Never think about infinity. Itll keep going youll never get anywhere with that guy.

Thats kind of what stars are, thought about infinity too much? Why dont you live in it? Live infinity

So for me maybe its a ritual or a practice

Remember practicing infinity. Because youre not supposed to do that.

Yeah, pretty much. Can you tell i finished 20020?

Nov 7 2024 7:45-7:46PM What about just like, existing forever, like a star would? THATS how you get around to explaining everything.

Stars dont actually burn, theyre not burning anything

Consider that stars really only exist forever. Too many. Thats why theyre alive.

Nov 7 2024 7:21-7:35PM Real sorry. One thing ive been trying to do more lately is not delete everything and start over like i always do. But at the same time im also trying to forgive myself for doing that all the time. So lets hit one bird with two stones and start over like i always do, and try not to feel too bad about it.

I read 17776. Dear lord what an incredible story, and i say that as someone who has difficulty engaging when reading.

(Embarrassing for me, i know, considering i used to tear through chapter books.)

Like, okay, according to my brain, who cares how interesting it actually is to me, if its formatted in a way that doesnt agree with me, im not allowed to understand it.

But dialogue heavy content seems to do the trick. Its why i didnt have that much trouble reading The Crucible for school. (Its a play, dingus, of course itll be easy to read.)

It also shows me how a lot of things seem to intersect. I cant write or focus if im watching a show with words or listening to music with words.

Background noise with no words involved is fine but i seem to have auditory processing troubles that lead me to focus on the least important thing imaginable when trying to do something language based. Thats why even though i would love to be listening to music right now, im not. It would frazzle me right up.

But anyway, 17776 is absolutely incredible. Chipping away at the sequel right now.

I dont think i ever understood being a star before an hour or so ago. Like i knew it was a thing, right, like a thing, but never really knew what it was.

Like how a baby bird knows to open its mouth before its ever had a meal. Thats kind of what its like.

I guess it was easier to realize angelicism before being a star. There isnt really a word for it. Angelicism is a good one for angel, but there isnt one for a star. Im not going to explain being a star just yet, but i will eventually.