Mar 13 2025 9:42AM DELETING SONGS FROM THE PLAY QUEUE WHEN I KNOW THEY WILL MAKE ME FEEL ~THINGS~ 9:42AM

Mar 12 2025 10:03PM God i must sound insane to people who arent me sometimes! Theres always been a layer of self awareness making me think yeah, i know my world is so confusing, but then again, i know im aware of it which must be better. Ive been trying to find where the line is. What breaches world and thoughtfulness and heads into dangerous insanity territory? I thought it was self awareness but really that cant be true i mean, you can still be completely out of your gourd and be aware the gourd has escaped you but who really knows. Im just doing everything. Everything i have to do. I thought about summer again. Its coming up on the second time ive told you about summer. You know what it is but theres something about holding onto time. Again in case you forgot, its impossible, its so impossible. Absolutely impossible. You cant hold on to time or oh my god i cant believe my phone just distracted me. Watch me decline. Watch me fall. Hold on. Look at my foot and its slipping on the edge. There it is. You cant capture a time but its even more painful when other people get involved because i cant just, spit out Summer 2024 at you, you will never know what mine was, what my world was. Neither will i. I have the haze of it. I have the haze of knowing how badly i cared about it while it was all happening, but aside from that, its never been captured before. You can take as many pictures as you want. Thatll get you closer to it. But youll never hit the mark there. Its impossible. You cant hold on to time. It wont let you. Sometimes i let myself use commas. Impossible. I just remember how i felt every day going to my ""job"" feeling like i was sweating down to everywhere surrounded with new people that for once i felt divorced and simultaneously conjoined with. I just put my music in and walked. And walked. And walked. Summer couldnt have been any different. And walked. Knew id forget it, because i did, but not really. I walked. 7/14/2024: "I have bad memory loss. So for me this is the first summer of my life. Its sad only if you think about that in a sad way, but i dont think about it in a sad way. like, i know ive had summers, but i cant look at them altogeter. this is the first time i had a summer where i acknowledged the season, so maybe itll count in my mind. Or maybe ill forget again. Who knows." GOOD LUCK, YOU 10:14PM

Mar 10 2025 10:50AM Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Never. Never. Never, ever. Yes. Never. No. Yes. It's possible. Refuse to respond. Yes. No. Never. Yes. Never. Never. Yes. Absolutely. No. Please. Yes. Of course. No. Why not? Yes. No. No. No. No. Yes. No. Might as well. It's possible. Yes. Never. Absolutely not. Never, ever. If you try hard enough, yes. No. Refuse to respond. No. No. Absolutely. Why not? Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Nobody knows. Please. Yes. Absolutely. Never. Never. Yes. No. No. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely not. It depends. Sometimes. Nobody knows. No. No. Sometimes. Yes. Never. Might as well. Absolutely. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Sometimes. It depends. Never. Yes. Absolutely. Never. YES. No. No. It depends. Sometimes. Might as well. No. Please. Why not? Refuse to respond. If you want to. If you want. No. No. No. Please. Yes. Absolutely. It's possible. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. No. It depends. Never. Nobody knows. It depends. Yes. It depends. No. Absolutely. Why not? Yes. Why don't we just see what happens? 11:00AM

Mar 8 2025 5:29PM I know what you did. I was made and i became myself. Call it whatever you want to call it. I wont judge any of it. Everything is everything, just different. I dont remember becoming this, but i know that i am this. I know its going to change so quickly. ~. Very fast. ~. Only slow if you were awake.




Dont say anything. Listen for a second. With me.






~. You caught it.






You didnt need to decide how long you held on for. You just did it. Then it was over, and the sine dipped down and changed you again. This is a graph with an outlier. You have a range. I have a range, sorry. And this range goes forward or backward but it never just identifies right now it only ever identifies now as it is in reference to past or now as it is in reference to future. If i open my eyes, i can see both of them at the same time. But if i close my eyes, i dont see present. I just see either one or the other. Thats why i have two eyes, i guess. One to look forward, one to look back. Even if i open both of them, i wont see present. Thats whatever. And the thing is, 90% of the time youre never even talking to whoever youre talking to. So its okay. You can just say things, whether youre speaking to a human being or the air, and both have the same amount of meaning. Thats what it is. I recognize you. You smell like you dont understand. Because thats what it is. Thats what it is. "ATOYOT" is TOYOTA backwards. I saw it on the car window. 5:36PM

Mar 8 2025 9:38AM Yesterday i woke up reeling from 12 hours of sleep and the 12 year long dream i had alongside it. It was the type of dream that contained things that only became concerning after youd woken up. I went through the day awful. And my hands were very sweaty but i only noticed once i unclenched my fingers and the cool air hit my palms. I fell asleep in class for the first time in a long time. My pelvis has been in pain for some reason lately. Currently i am sitting on my bed and everything is impossible to capture. God theres just so much, you cant capture it all. I try to make peace with time and how badly it wants nothing to exist ever again, but its difficult. Im chewing parm. I sat by the foot of my bed in my blankets pile that i call my nest staring up at the window as it was looming over me, either threatening me or protecting me. Last night i had a dream my grandma got alzheimers. I had to make a pilgrimage to get to her while she constructed the dream to tell me something. I keep having premonitions. Im going to my aunts house. We dont get to sleep over this time. We come back this afternoon. Ill sit in the back. I only know my hands are sweaty once i unclench my fists. 9:44AM

Mar 4 2025 12:09PM When i woke up that morning it mightve rained the night before, because the sidewalk was soaking and i could smell the familiar way New York City smells when its soaked. And i probably walked down that rightmost side of the road thinking about a car swerving. Thinking more about the people inside the car than my own bones against the blunt end of the vehicle, when i was 11 years old i was very, very, very confused. Its not that i was a traumatized child in the sense that every little thing could scare me, id go crying to mom, but that something had happened that was going to happen already, which made me very confused, and very traumatized, before everything even happened. I was wearing shoes that stunk to shit, probably unwashed, with stringy hair that had been so damaged you couldnt tell i had curls, and probably avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk so my mother would be okay. I mightve then taken a look up, not thought about the rocks, seen myself, and looked away immediately, unprepared, for what could happen, i had a leaf, in my right pocket and a button, in the left. I walked into the school and then i began to pray to Jesus. 12:15PM

Mar 1 2025 10:43PM I think the trick is to stop caring about pretty much everything besides love. That might be the only important thing. Do what youre going to do anyway. Youll end up doing it or not doing it anyway. Nothing matters at all and i dislike pessimism. You have to understand that simultaneously, nothing can matter, and you can still love and you can still dance and you can still sing and you can still draw and you can still learn and you can still eat and you can still play and you can still talk. "Fleshy meat sacks on a floating rock". Youre looking too far out -- when you zoom into it, when you really look carefully at everything, its so small, but, think about it: we are all small too. So it really isnt a fuss and its perfect and it works. That way, you can stop caring about everything besides love. That way, you can love. Everything. Continuing in apathy with love. 10:51PM

Feb 24 2025 9:55AM You missed a whole trip. I went to my grandmas again. The biggest issue with getting there and getting back is all the STUFF, since its a real schlepp to bring a roller bag with all my clothes through school once to bring it there. Youve also missed some more additions and comeuppances since every second is so full of things lately. Which i guess is my own fault. Ive been having more communications with other versions. Its really unusual to the point that i wish i figured it out before all those awful things happened. I mightve been able to reach a younger version of myself. The farthest i can go is february 6th of this year. At least now i know if bad things happen to me ill be spoken to. Hope you know its more symbolic than anything. Hope you know im talking to you. I cant really do anything. Im simultaneous again possibly because of how easily a past version can blend with my present version. Hope you know its not even by day or by hour or by minute or by second, but every single frame. Its easiest to talk to the one that comes directly before you, but what good does that do? Youre near clones at that stage. The farther back you go the harder it gets to communicate, but the more significant it becomes. If you can just find that balance youll be golden. 10:03AM

Feb 17 2025 4:17PM The more and more i stay in this apartment and even more specifically, my room, the less and less i feel like myself. I know ones self is so indeterminate that looking for what it specifically means is pretty useless but i still think its something that exists. Back to approximations, which pretty much everything is. We cant comprehend a number larger than Grahams number but we named it anyway, and plenty of people use it to describe things if they know what it is. Same with a Googol or Googolplex (these are more common). Thats what self is like. We know those numbers are really really big. You can think even harder and realize just how big they are but you will still never be able to entirely comprehend them. That is what self is like. You probably know ive written out a lot of diagrams and tried to describe the self as it relates to everything such as ego or the body, but if it were so easy to define thered be a definition by now or at least a common concensus. But we still cant decide if a self is the same as a soul or a spirit. I dont think its possible. Not in a bleak way i just dont think its really possible at all. Thats good -- you get to figure it out on your own. Of course its up to the same indeterminate whims; you can also dislike this. You can also just completely disagree with me and think oh thats so fucking stupid you must be stupid. Good thats the point. I keep thinking it anyway. I keep thinking... I keep thinking... so anyway im going to my grandmothers apartment again. When will i get sick of telling you that? Well pretty much never. I already have. Oh stop it... you know what i mean. I dont think the self is something we can comprehend despite how much it belongs to us. Its just like owning a Googolplex. 4:25PM

Feb 10 20202025 202020 2 2 2~ Hundred came to the forecast that day, to look up at the forbidden ~almost questions they had predicted would need some answers till they had another one to answer there was never going to be an answer. Thats w$en they took it and went far far far away, understanding very little but considering so much. This could be one ~ individual, but it could be ~ many of them, ~ you know? Theysaidsorry. I said whyareyousorryforbeingcurious, and they said with shame i couldnt ever see ever again because i wasnt allowed, itsbecausewewerentmadetobecurious; i looked at the anthill and poured soup in it. For55n 9(( ( ( ( ( ( ( & & & & & & & & & & & & & & C * B 8 B, File until you access/retrievalThe harder it is to think, the harder it is to readThe harder it is to lie, the harder it is to cheatThe harder it is to get out, the worse it is to get inThat's how you know the snowstorm's coming in.I ate a snowflake. I said sorry.Goodbye.Thankyou. I said goodbye.Sorry.Thankyou. I said thankyou.Sorry.Goodbye. I wasgratefulwhentherecometobeitandwhatwhywhohowwhenconsideritagiftfromme. Iwasconfused. Itswhathappenswhenyoutrytoequatesomethingthatneverunderstooditevenofitselfitwasconfused. Never meant to know. so i put them all i^n little li^nes and waved goodbye,Sorry.Forever.Thankyou. 11:45BC

Feb 7 2025 9:47PM As i mentioned today was the day i was set to go to my grandmothers and because me and a friend had wanted to hang out for a while i consolidated the trip considering they also had been wanting to visit the area in the city where my grandmother lives so we made the trek. Freezing with wind really just picking me right up and bristling under feathers that i know dont actually exist. We went ahead on that lofty big rail up over the river which was the first time in years that theyd done it, and i picked out all the smokestacks from up high hoping i could get a connection. When we landed we walked and got snacks and by the nature of their simply being there another layer is placed upon what could be a consistent string of time and place. I walked down that sidewalk with them but additionally alongside about 100 others of myself who were all here for the same reason -- to get back. Whatever back is. We talked about a lot of things, and i remember just really thinking about my wings again. My hands froze shut nearly and when we were done i walked them to the train, and as we did we talked about some things as well, and i just remember the white noise pressing on me, and looking at the bridge and thinking about it. When i walked back alone, i had communicated to my earlier self that it was a little dangerous and that some great big thing might happen to me, something not earthly or tangibly despicable, but an environment of further knowing and learning and it did happen, too. I looked up and saw a bird, but in the great pure pitch black of the sky with only one star or two it took a minute for me to recognize about 100 of them or maybe 200. Just now im realizing this starling swarm was indicative of the times id tried to think about flying just enough so that it would truly happen for me. Enough times staring out at the river and just thinking about circling forever. I walked back to the building staring completely upwards (and trusted my feet) and watched them all spiral around and around and around like they were looking for me. From where i was it looked like i was being followed but i didnt really mind it. When i got back in, my grandmother reminded me that starlings swarm for enrichment. 9:55PM

Feb 6 2025 2:21PM Just a small notion today, but i really hope eventually, this site becomes so very large. I simplified the layout because i want people to be able to access the actual details and grit of what i want to etch into the internet. I prefer people to become distracted by my opinions or art than some marquee text (then again, i have a soft spot for marquee). But yes i hope it becomes such a large place - i hope you become overwhelmed by links and writings and details, and i hope for years i can find ways to reach out to the whole world, because it seems like thats something i like to do. Ill keep reaching out forever or at least for a very long time, and ill be able to look back at it all. My revelation has been a more pure understanding of the idea that my past self is not me. It was me, but it isnt anymore, which is just so interesting when you communicate with it. I realized: this is exactly what i have been doing for my entire life in an unintentional way. Ive had a purpose that ive been fulfilling simply by the nature of it, without even realizing what it was. I speak so that the me who comes next will understand. Theres about 517246721 seconds of life that ive lived, and 517246721 iterations of me out there, and the number keeps getting bigger. I just need to keep speaking to give that future version some clarity. And i know now that i can speak to the me who will read this in 6 hours, and i know theres somebody who exists there. It is nearly time travel. It is beautiful. It gives me purpose. 2:27PM

Feb 4 2025 9:05PM You might be surprised to know i hate talking about myself. I feel the need to because i need others to understand me, and i have a weak spot at allowing myself to be misunderstood. I have awful feelings rise in me from the oncoming fear of this misunderstanding which causes me to hate talking about myself. I try to let the desire to be autobiographical pass me by but i still need people to know me and that i am feeling something or that i am a certain way. I dont understand if this is normal or not. I dont understand if i am allowed to be understood (or more fittingly, if i should try to make myself understood). It is much easier to be and not care for the way im seen. But then something itches at me and i need to explain myself over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again, and i want it to be over. I think people do not like it when you reiterate things. I wish it was okay to repeat myself. Anyway, theres that, i guess tonights a double feature 9:09PM

Feb 4 2025 2:23PM I dont really have anything to write about. Im getting better all the time. I miss everything and everyone, and i feel an incomprehensible feeling, and its a pretty good feeling, but not entirely. Mostly im unsteady, and i keep trying to make art, and i need to remember that if i dont think about what im doing, ill just be doing it. I just need to be doing it. Then it isnt a problem. Ive got a lot on my plate and im going back to my grandmothers place this weekend. Ill be myself there for a while even though nobody else notices when i am not myself which is not something you can reasonably ask of anybody. Im making music with OnlineOmnichord because i dont have the money to buy one or the wherewithal to ask for one or the energy to save for one. Im not a musician (im not really anything). Right now this is what i can use to destress and it seems to work pretty well. Im connecting with something else. I really didnt say much of anything here, but you read it anyway 2:28PM

Jan 30 2025 6:22PM Its good to keep organized, so heres a few of mine (the title). I have a need for people to know what i am doing or how i am feeling. Its weird to realize most people even your very closest friends wont always really care, not in some sad pathetic way, but its only the truth of everybody having such an equal part. I also feel an insurmountable amount and it affects my behavior. These two faults tend to affect each other. If i feel a ridiculous amount of feelings, my natural response tends to be trying to spread that feeling. But saying it to people using words often returns little to no feedback which becomes frustrating, painful, and scary. So lately as in the past year or so maybe ive been getting better at not telling people what im doing which is interesting, because its not something i expected id have to learn how to do. Also its very rare to recieve grace in this world, so you have to give it to yourself, always. It might be good for me to isolate, in a different way than the way i have in the past. This cycle often comes with the need for some form of attention which is obviously unfair, but getting used to the lack of it is something ive been doing for a bit. I guess im saying all this to get it out there. Ive been doing the best ive ever been doing and the worst ive ever been doing simultaneously, and its weird. I dont exactly enjoy the fact that i want a lot of attention in this world, even if thats a natural thing, because really, it doesnt feel natural, and i very much dislike it. I think right now im continuing my turning point, though the large part is over, theres still a bit more to go, and all i have to do is push against these lapses where all i want is something that does not exist. Its very interesting and i dont like it, but you know time, time time time. Oh another one of my faults is im too scared to be taken completely seriously all the time but i hate being seen as immature or constantly nonserious. I dont think im a very joke-y person but my brain is used to behaving in the way it does and so it just does these things without me really wanting to be doing them. Time time time. 6:31PM

Jan 27 2025 9:04PM Hey, its been a little long. Im really glad that im here and writing an update for you because of how things change. Im adopting a slightly new writing format because i think it helps me get my point across and "stream of conciousness" writing is more comfortable for me anyway and it gets the thoughts out better because often times, abstract is a stream that doesnt really get the chance to stop itself, and wont let others stop it. The con of this is that it is sometimes considered difficult to read and poorly formatted but since when has art ever cared about things like that? Tonight im writing to you from my grandmothers apartment, very late and shes asleep, and ive decided to sit by the window on this nice chair with the table holding my laptop and listen to the white noise that is the river and the highway across the river. If i look leftmost the building which is directly facing me from across the courtyard has some lit windows with people presumably sitting around in there. I tell you this because its good to tell myself. I think i want to remember how changing is like. I think about this a lot. I used to feel really guilty about changing who i was until i realized that its out of my control, or at least the way i feel internally tends to be a little out of my own control. The thing you can control is how you describe it. So then i felt really guilty about describing myself differently, but again, the source here tends to be completely out of ones control anyway. All this to say is dipping your toes into little pools of awareness you didnt know about is actually something everybody should do if they feel so inclined because it really gives you more worldview, even if you never return to that pool. I was dipping my toes in angelicism for id say 3 years now because i was searching for some way to explain the wings, but you dont even need to. Ive never tried to take a logical approach to it. Religion or scientific reasoning, though i lean toward the latter, were never places i went because i never felt that need, so instead, when i wanted to explain the wings, i went in my own direction, i made up my own thing, or it mightve already existed. Either way its very interesting and thats how ive been approaching everything. Just very interesting to approach anything at all. To do anything is interesting anyway, so theres no fuss. I havent really changed, but how much i am aware of has really changed so so much, and once it does that for a long amount of time -- or at least very strongly -- it leads me to finally change the way i explain myself. Again, i try my best to not explain myself. Again, i try my very best to remember ill keep existing, in some way, for an indeterminable amount of time. Thats the way it goes. This apartment is a little box that tells me im changing. And ive met myself a thousand times -- and i love everybody ive met. 9:16PM

Jan 20 2025 12:21-12:32PM Im weirdly embarrassed to be myself again. Its interesting how easily that happens and how easily it inhibits somebody.

I dont really know where im meant to go from this feeling, im just kind of stranded. I had a weird dream again which might be related to this feeling but it was so very absurd that ive got to completely be myself to take it seriously, which is difficult to do right about now

So the first part and this was a long dream but in the first part i was in this really long train station you know the types, aboveground train station and it was very empty there were people everywhere, well not that many. I would say 3 others. So 4 if you count me and we were just having this weird conversation that i dont remember what it was about but, we were just talking and letting it become a conversation. This disturbs me. I think we spoke about murder.

Next part i remember is i was at school but it wasnt like the school ive ever been to. I showed up late when they were designating line rules (girls on the left and boys on the right). I had to go left. So then we sat down and someone talked about National Womens Day.

Then i dont remember what happened next but the school was a game and my computer died. I charged it back and found that my progress was all gone. I had to start over at the classroom so i was angry.

One of the friends i made at the train station and also some other guy wanted to see this website so we went to hide in the bathroom which was a very big labyrinth. We got caught by the school police but i complied so the handcuffs in the mans hand never had to be used.

The final part was in minecraft. Apparently this whole school was minecraft so suddenly i was flying around with an elytra and looking at a huge map with tons of people. It was mostly untouched but if you looked closely you could find some peoples builds. Eventually it became more realistic i came to this ocean area with lots of fog and drizzlies and it was full of rusty structures that id fallen in love with and catwalks and things of that nature. In the distance a giant metal mario was floating through the ocean. Then i went into a tall open cavern full of water where Michael Scott from The Office was clinging to a piece of cardboard and a smaller mario was helping him off. In there i found yoyleberries from BFDI and i ate it and it tasted good and i woke up.

Maybe my dreams can make me less embarrassed

Jan 18 2025 3:36-3:38PM Saw a falcon outside my window, things are going to change

Jan 14 2025 4:27-4:30PM Sometimes i catch myself easily entertaining childish ideas
Sometimes i think i might be able to speak to somebody else with my mind
Sometimes i might believe the beat of my steps follows the rhythm of my heart
Sometimes i think jumping up high enough results in gravity giving up on me
Sometimes i think i dislike myself and then i change my mind the next minute
Sometimes i think its over and it isnt, it isnt, it isnt, it isnt

Jan 13 2025 11:07-11:12PM What ive spent a significant amount of time doing is pretending. When i was very young and even then still growing older, something must have happened this way so continuously, in a way that led me to realizing what i really feel comes through with who i am was interpreted so incorrectly or so cruelly; think about it this way; i am stuck between two desires.

I want to allow myself to be where i am meant to be, fall where i may, build myself ditches with nobody watching so i can crawl inside comfortably, but also -- this, too -- this -- to be someone other people can feel considered by or cared for. It isnt something anybody wants. Nobody wants this to happen.

But then i decide i will smile or pretend to listen and i think it all comes out so angry but it isnt fair to have listened, and to have been hurt and then think -- i may do this as well, as it is, naturally. Do you understand me? Listen please, i want to be who i need to be, it is almost like i am periodically forgetting; if it all could last longer, i wouldnt have the time to consider the change; it would be about as natural as breathing in and out; a frequency im familiar with; i know it is only a drawn sine, an achingly drawn sine. But WHY? If it did not last so long neither would i be able to cry or smile when that is comfortable. BUT AS IT IS, I DO NOT DO IT WHEN I WANT TO, EITHER.

Its all done, until i come down the line, and land at the axis

Jan 13 2025 9:14-9:15AM I dont really care much about this info anymore but i dont want to completely strip it from the site, so im moving it from the header of this page to this log right here that you are currently reading: INFP 4w5 high-open melancholic dependent

Jan 11 2025 6:58-7:01PM Today i was supposed to clean the bathroom in this apartment but instead because we ran out of paper towels my dad had me help him with the shrimp hes making for dinner.

I learned how to deshell them and take out the poo tube and it was really interesting. I started to get the hang of it really quickly and it was enjoyable honestly because i appreciated what these shrimp had done by preparing them so carefully,

and it was really nice you know, and there was one blue shrimp out of all of them which, the rest were kind of clearish pink maybe brown and beige but this boy was blue, and i think ill think about that blue shrimp for a bit longer to let this weird filmy texture coating me pass a bit gentler while i make more art

Jan 11 2025 12:43-12:43AM Mm, ok. Not today, today ill make art instead, so i can pin down the feeling and get it working all upright

Jan 9 2025 9:56-10:14PM I shouldntve left you hanging for so long. Sorry about that.

When i was about 10 or 11 i read Awkward by Svetlana Chmakova. Its a graphic novel which came out in 2015 about the art club and the science club butting heads in high school. Without spoiling the novels resolution: this was the first time i considered the scientific nature of art. I consider angelicism in a very similar way -- even more so starhood -- and before i start talking again i need you to forget your associations for those words. I know a lot of people see the word "angel" and think of feathers or gold, churches or clouds, heaven or salvation. This is just not at all how i see it and it hurts me so. All the same in stars as well.

I really do my very best in helping others to understand the abstract nature of words like this (which inevitably fails -- notice the word "abstract" present?). There are a lot of words that have exact definitions and meanings that are quite easy to surmise, but angel does not have that.

Angel is a word which many people have come to approximate using visual aesthetic and religious devotion. It was surely intended for use in religion, which i therefore have no feeling of betrayal or besmirchment towards. However it truly only means messenger -- in such an abstract way that i cant help but see angelicism as an art. As a scientific art.

I am considering adopting the term engel, the old english spelling of angel, to better divorce myself from the visual concensus surrounding angels and what they might look like. Robed. Wheels. Eyes. White. Gold. It never describes me. It hurts even and, yes, i understand, through the hurt, why it is necessary. Angelicism being an abstract concept means many adopt it in their own way and this is beautiful to me. I dont enjoy being associated with it in my own self (due to its prevalence in others), but it brings me no anger to see fellow angels in this way appreciating themselves.

But i love to speak about it. It becomes a point where it is more humanlike to be angel than to be anything else, in my particular case. See, look at this: I am an angel. A statement that feels partially proper. Its like a white lie. Now how about: I am a human angel. It feels right. Ive told just about everything i need to tell. I am a human angel on earth, and this does not mean i know anything besides earth. I only know earth. I cannot lie to you and say i am POWERFUL or OTHERWORLDLY just for being engel. I cannot lie to you and say i know HEAVEN or some type of AFTERLIFE. I am a human* being. I am abstract, it is all a conceptual thing. It is therefore so deeply scientific that i find myself emotional at my failure to comprehend the atom.

Starhood is quite similar. But it -- im afraid -- becomes far more personal the more it becomes put into words. As the abstract thing it is. Think about it like this: its like if i took a beautifully woven scarf and you wonder how it was made, but i dont know how to speak your language, so instead i have no choice but to rip it apart and show you exactly how it was woven. I dont want to rip the scarf. And that is exactly all

I went through a very long journey to get here to understand what this means to me. I know it will not entirely be comprehended, which brings me comfort, as it is meant to remain a mystery and a rather confusing one at that

Jan 9 2025 8:33-8:44AM I was meant to write this out yesterday, but i was distracted and wanted to make sure i got it right. It may be good that i waited because i ended up having a disturbing dream that i want to talk about now and i wouldnt have been able to talk about it yesterday.

Anyway, the dream comes first because its more recent, and i might as well try to be continuitous. I wasjhygtfrgthjhygtfrtgtfgfgfgttgtgtttttttttttttftrrdererrrrrrreedsddddddddkjuyyhgttyytt6ttrrrrrrrrrrrrtrrrrrrrrrghghjuyuhuhuhjhghjhhuhuhyyy sorry i noticed gunk on my keyboard.

In the dream i was in my grandmothers place but it wasnt really her place. Kind of felt like when i played Yume 2kki and ended up in the apartments. My grandma had a rubber turtle figurine (very small, palm sized) and i picked it up and there was a second one. Two turtles. But for some reason i was calling them dinosaurs. There was also water jugs and sparkling water and things like that on top of the fridge and the fridge was either weirdly short OR i was very tall. I think it was short though because nothing else was weird. I had a feeling like i overstayed my welcome the whole time

The disturbing part was at the end where i noticed spots on my hand. I squeezed all the muscles in my body and they started expanding like fleshy lumps. And they kept expanding and peeling off of themselves until it was one large lump. It wasnt painful but i felt energy radiating from my hand even after i woke up. Ill keep an eye on that hand.

As for everything else, the thing i wanted to write before, i am REALLY STARTING TO FREAK OUT about music

I dont even know how to put this into words, it feels so weird and unusual but'/'''plklokokioiiijuuuuuuuuuuuujjk;;lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll;.;l.;;']]]]]]]]]// sorry about that again i missed a spot. But: music only really gets to you in particular situations. Its always trying to find you. When you walk youre doing it, youre making a beat. When you live you are music with the beat of your heart. Its really getting to me. Its only a matter of if the music knows how to align itself with your heartbeat.

There is something about time signatures. I think i love them.

Dec 30 2024 12:09-12:17AM We are a men of great and certain deprivation
Of which a great variety of sorts hold the class to pride
A believing cast has got something to clap for, youll know it
In our palms, too, there is saturation; calamitous awfulness
And, almost with certainty (that the people surrounding us hold themselves tidely),
To apology, I know I exist beside what does not,
To apology, I do not, forever; I never and always have

Dec 27 2024 8:49-8:55AM Its hard to remember when youre so small in the way that we all are, but: we are with the stars.

If you are in a building, obscured by a house or by some other mode of shelter; if you are out in a field; if you are down at a pier with boats and rafts and fish and people catching the fish for their dinner; if you are aware or unaware or if you are in a businessplace or some other establishment you are with the stars always.

You could see where you are, as below, as far apart from the array, which is above, but there is no below or above beyond earth, where the stars are. And so you are always by the stars. They are always with you. We are all with them. That is a comfort to me.

Dec 24 2024 12:19-12:22AM Another humble reminder that it will always change. It will never remain the same.

Im at my grandmothers apartment. Not sure if ive talked about it here. But this place gives me a particular feeling. It hasnt changed since it used to be my safe haven from when i was very young. It really is a place i would love to live.

For safety i cant say exactly where in the city it is but it has a whole view of the skyline and yet so quiet and gently hidden. Sort of the way one might feel if they were cupped in two hands like a caught beetle

In any case. Christmas Eve, humbly, Christmas Eve.

Dec 20 2024 11:19-11:21AM You may have noticed the new layout and i did too! I find it important to sacrifice my about page. It really has no purpose even though the thing i enjoy the most when websurfing is reading peoples about pages

But im never going to describe myself properly for a few reasons: i am never the same as i was yesterday, i am not the same today, i will not be the same tomorrow. People also interpret you in their own infinite way. Who am i to deprive someone of that

Dec 19 2024 6:37-6:43AM I had this dream where I was on an airplane and the pilot was next to me somehow. He wasnt the best pilot. He kept swerving or getting eerily close to buildings and structures and would always whisper "ow ow ow ow" as if he were preparing for the blow. But he would always survive. And then he accidentally flew straight into a large bridge

He kept whispering "ow ow ow ow ow" as if he were going to survive but i felt it in my bones that we were all about to die in a plane crash. I saw a plane smoking yesterday which probably inspired this part

I remember being really calm and looking away from the front window thinking ill survive this one just like i survived the other close calls

But no, i died, and instead of feeling the pain and experiencing every moment up until i went unconscious, the world just kind of froze and got stuck repeating the moment before the plane hit the bridge

In the afterlife i was completely destroyed. There was a computer that showed me real world updates. I was destroyed. I was shouting at the sky "IM 16!" and nobody else seemed as phased as i was to be dead. All i could think about was how i never finished anything.

All i could think about was how i never finished anything.

Dec 18 2024 1:31-1:31PM I am going to go home and make myself a meal.

Dec 11 2024 11:34-11:35AM The nature of existing is that what you say to me means a lot to me, and im not allowed to say that it does. This is true everywhere but i dont always know that

Dec 11 2024 11:12-11:14AM Idea: it seems like the only reason hedonism can exist is because most people arent hedonists. It exists because a lot, and i mean a lot, of people have their own ideas about how they want to live their lives.

Because an entirely hedonistic society would probably either become very very boring and someone would start a domino effect of moving on from it all, OR, they would all die imediately. Thats what i think

Dec 10 2024 12:43-12:47PM I havent been doing a very good job explaining myself lately. Sometimes i spend a long period of time remaining unexplained. I think im a sine wave or something. I get closer and farther from myself endlessly, and enter periods of misalignment. Right now it doesnt feel good. But thats just how it happens.

Im waiting for January because of this project i want to do all of next year. More like a background project ill do as i go. Still focusing on Monarch.

I want to make a large diagram in order to explain this. But this time i dont want to explain it to other people. I want to explain it to myself. Myself, never understanding. Eventually ill have enough built that ill never forget this.

Dec 7 2024 4:26-4:29PM Least favorite thing is people continuing to tell me things i already know! especially when they dont allow me to say i already know it. its one of those pet peeves i cant shake

Nov 30 2024 1:23-1:25AM Close enough that i might breathe. Close enough that i might hold my breath. Theres going to be some way to do it in about 10 million years, when im back.

Nov 28 2024 10:55-11:02PM Pitch blackness with an idea. Came with an idea of something that could be true, if you exist. Pitch blackness in the car, and because my phone had died i was forced (at least encouraged) by the universe to identify the beating of the car against the hard ground. I sat back, they sat front. On the way there i had been staring at their faces to play a game of understanding what they might be talking about without hearing them.

At the place, this house goes in a circle. And so i took some steps and i figured the rhythm. I counted 37 from start to finish, 37 steps, 37 from start to finish. Each time it was 37. I counted the lights first, per room it was 12394, then windows per room, it was 44231. The numbers connected at either end: 12394442311239444231.

It may have confused my family with my aimless counting but i continued to step the beat of the house and i even listened to it.

At the fireplace i gently pet the floor and soothed myself.

Now in the pitch blackness with an idea, in the back with them in the front, i saw an arrangement of lights that were attached to the cars, the bustling beasts of this dark night which lit it all up. Angrily. Hoffing and poffing. Hoffing and poffing. Trudging against the beaten path. Against the hard ground. I sort of got the idea, came with an idea that behind each lamppost could exist a picture. This picture could exist, it might not.

But listen to my idea, which is that there could be none; I will pay very close attention to the details of what i encounter, and it will no longer exist despite this effort, and therefore any image could happen to exist, unknown to me; I might have simply not have payed enough attention to it for it to exist in my mind.

Nov 28 2024 11:07-11:14AM I wake up with it being nearly impossible to remove myself from the world, in an unusually opposite way to how it tends to be when i wake up

And i was made to focus my ears at the window which told me it was raining gently. It was at perfect temperature in my room and my blankets sat not-too-warmly against me

I felt a thrumming in me. And every few moments i have been hearing the roaring of the planes overhead as if there was some great migration.

Today is Thanksgiving and I go to see distant family at their big house. Its full of dark wood and people are always there. I am very excited. I love that house. I am not looking forward to the food

My family makes Thanksgiving food just fine but none of it has ever interested me. Not a single traditional dish

But here in the blankets with the window dripping honey i am prepared to go hungry.

Nov 25 2024 9:41-9:43AM And yet even still, i long to create it as simply as possible...

Nov 22 2024 8:39-8:47AM More bird dreams. I just woke up and my room is awful and stuffy. Let me open the window

Alright. It was still raining up here last night. Should help with the drought... somethings off. Anyway,

I tend to have long long dreams that I only really remember one important part directly after I wake up. Then, after a few minutes to hours i might be able to remember the full thing

In this situation i remember these white owls coming down and attacking me. Clawing at me. They went after my left hand and i looked at it covered in scratches.

The rest of the dream was odd and nonlinear as they tend to be... i was at a big house with this kid who was into NFTs and also a lot of family. I recall staring at these incredible plants. I recall looking at the stony wall very very closely to see the moss

And i saw the earth from a distance, and there were factors of existence, with text titles you could drag together to create new ones. I watched Watership Down last night

Nov 21 2024 3:38-3:42PM Things started happening even before i was awake. Had a dream where right before i woke up i saw these crow feathers outside the building knowing one had just left

And i got a lot of compliments recently things have been going very well in general

But apparently one of my teachers didnt think so. One of them saw a doodle i did apparently

And it mustve been something worrying or one of my angsty characters because they sent a message to the guidance counselor and called me down

Basically i just explained that i have characters i like to give sad stories and it was a bit of an awkward conversation. On a different note someone tried to get me to join his church today so thats... fun

My grades are still good (how?) and im drawing and its RAINING today. What else could happen? I think maybe karma is preparing to let me down easy.

Nov 17 2024 10:09-10:16AM I didnt really write about it yesterday because i was so busy but i had a lot of fun. I love my aunts house because its so big and theres always people. And my uncle is there and hes the only person in my local family that seems to have my sense of humor

The object of our visit was to celebrate. It had recently been my birthday and my moms and aunts and my uncles and none of us had come together to celebrate so we did it all in one big bash. We decorated cupcakes

I have to say though my favorite part of visiting is always the drive. Im very familiar with the walls that we pass and the bridges we go under on our route there and back

On the way home i found that the moon was frighteningly full!

Makes sense. The day before it had been a supermoon. But i remember being in the car on the way home and seeing that moon and deciding to stare at it and there was a flash of a rainbow.

I cant explain it! When i saw it i stayed very quiet because it would be of no use to explain it. But in the pitch blackness of both the trees and the starless sky there was a flash of a fuzzy strip of rainbow just below the moon.

And i truly mean flash. It appeared one moment and vanished the next. It mustve been some unusual trick of the light. I know its nothing but it was a little magical for me. In 10 days we go back there for Thanksgiving oriented celebration

Nov 16 2024 9:17-9:18AM Today we get to visit my aunt! Im really excited. I love her house

Nov 11 2024 4:13-4:14PM Sweeped under my bed! Dusted my books and rearranged them! Reorganized drawers! And my closet! Productive day so far...

Nov 10 2024 5:18-5:20PM Ive been governing myself by the KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID rule for the past few weeks now in terms of my website and its much much more rewarding

Ive also been doing that for my conversations and it improves the experience GREATLY. I am an anxious overthinking bastard and tend to be inable to relax for my own life unless im completely settled or have forgotten something

So being able to just go "keep it simple" has helped greatly. Still get random heart racing periods though

Nov 9 2024 6:29-6:33PM Life does not have inherit meaning or purpose.

Also its not supposed to. I see people saying things like, my life has no meaning. No purpose. I shouldnt live. WELL, ACTUALLY, (nerd),

ACTUALLY, thats exactly why you SHOULD live, actually. Sorry. Life is not designed to have some sort of purpose. Otherwise a lot of people would be very unhappy.

I would say its pretty common knowledge that if you get everything you want life is meaningless. EXACTLY. This is the only instance in which life can truly be useless.

Somethings always going to fuck you up. YOU NEED to make meaning. THAT is the hard part. Living isnt difficult. Creating meaning is. Creating a purpose is. And for a while your purpose is going to be to create a purpose. Youll live paradoxically until you either die or succeed.

And no thats not "bleak" thats fucking incredible. I love everything

Nov 8 2024 5:48-5:50PM Wow conversations are much easier when you realize its just transmission of information

This will probably sound to some people like im going through something but i actually really like viewing my body as a possession?

Im taking care of it, feeding it. Making it move and stuff. Its not me at all. But its my Thing.

My little jester hahaha dance jester dance MUAHAHAHA

Not helping my case of being normal. Sorry. Its just a comforting thought.

Nov 8 2024 2:45-2:50PM Happy Friday! When i was a kid i pushed other kids down the slide when they took too long.

Never think about infinity. Itll keep going youll never get anywhere with that guy.

Thats kind of what stars are, thought about infinity too much? Why dont you live in it? Live infinity

So for me maybe its a ritual or a practice

Remember practicing infinity. Because youre not supposed to do that.

Yeah, pretty much. Can you tell i finished 20020?

Nov 7 2024 7:45-7:46PM What about just like, existing forever, like a star would? THATS how you get around to explaining everything.

Stars dont actually burn, theyre not burning anything

Consider that stars really only exist forever. Too many. Thats why theyre alive.

Nov 7 2024 7:21-7:35PM Real sorry. One thing ive been trying to do more lately is not delete everything and start over like i always do. But at the same time im also trying to forgive myself for doing that all the time. So lets hit one bird with two stones and start over like i always do, and try not to feel too bad about it.

I read 17776. Dear lord what an incredible story, and i say that as someone who has difficulty engaging when reading.

(Embarrassing for me, i know, considering i used to tear through chapter books.)

Like, okay, according to my brain, who cares how interesting it actually is to me, if its formatted in a way that doesnt agree with me, im not allowed to understand it.

But dialogue heavy content seems to do the trick. Its why i didnt have that much trouble reading The Crucible for school. (Its a play, dingus, of course itll be easy to read.)

It also shows me how a lot of things seem to intersect. I cant write or focus if im watching a show with words or listening to music with words.

Background noise with no words involved is fine but i seem to have auditory processing troubles that lead me to focus on the least important thing imaginable when trying to do something language based. Thats why even though i would love to be listening to music right now, im not. It would frazzle me right up.

But anyway, 17776 is absolutely incredible. Chipping away at the sequel right now.

I dont think i ever understood being a star before an hour or so ago. Like i knew it was a thing, right, like a thing, but never really knew what it was.

Like how a baby bird knows to open its mouth before its ever had a meal. Thats kind of what its like.

I guess it was easier to realize angelicism before being a star. There isnt really a word for it. Angelicism is a good one for angel, but there isnt one for a star. Im not going to explain being a star just yet, but i will eventually.